Sunday, 28 August 2011
Dreading the second injection today in memory of the pain on day 5. I have to go to a different hospital for this injection as the Infertility Unit is closed on weekends. I go to Wishaw General today, it's where I had my scans last year when I miscarried and it reminds me of that terrible experience. I drag my Husband along as a distraction. We had to wait for what seems like ages and he is restless. It wasn't so sore as last time, or maybe because I was expecting pain my head had exaggerated the previous experience? We then visited each of our parents in turn. My Mother in Law had old photographs out and I feel a lump in my throat as I see pictures of my Husband as a young boy because I think of my son looking just like him. All of my Husbands families offspring have been male and he assures me we will be no different. Our miscarried child was a boy. I also feel a lump in my throat as in the pictures where he is around 5 his Mum and Dad look older than most other parents and I see me getting to that age and still childless. It's tough having a life marked out for it not to happen as one would like. I remember a Counsellor I saw last year telling me that anxiety surrounding how long it will take to fall pregnant is a waste of time and energy because when I fall pregnant I will be so happy, and even moreso when I have the baby, that whatever year and date, or age I am, will be insignificant. I know she was right it's just a painful wait for it to happen. Every cycle is like a rollercoaster. I remember this from taking clomid before and feel it already, I imagine how I feel if I respond to this treatment, how I will feel if I don't. I imagine the dose of drugs being too low or too high and the frustration with how long the process takes. I already have optimistic moments and similarly pessimistic ones too. I know that before I can stop myself I have the birth date calculated at the beginning of each cycle as well as when and how I will tell my Husband and close family the good news. I want this so desperately and so urgently and wish there was some way to take control of the situation instead of sitting back waiting to find out if my body is performing as we desire.