Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Day 10

Today I have felt as if I am on my period but of course am not. Had niggling back pain and heavy stomach. Had lots of stringy clear discharge too. This combination is making me wonder if I am ovulating today and so am worried we will have missed our opportunity as their is an abstinence period of 3 days before insemination which would be expected on Friday or Monday. I phoned the clinic with my anxieties and they said it was unlikely to ovulate this early but not impossible and when have I ever followed expected protocol? Trying not to worry or even think about it because until tomorrow nothing can be concluded. I need to get my head around the reality that this cycle is unlikely to result in pregnancy. Rather it will give a guide as to how the next cycles should be managed and what dose of medication I will need.

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Day 9

Felt so sick this morning had I not been taking this medication I might have thought I was pregnant! However, my reality was going for another injection. I demonstrated I could inject myself and am saying prayers that my body is responding. Thursday is the big day, scan day, when all will be revealed.

Monday, 29 August 2011

Day 8

Not much to record today except a feeling of wondering if anything is happening inside me. There was no formation of follicles or thickening of my uterus with the lowest dose of oral treatment and I am thus anxious I may not respond to the lowest dose of this form of treatment. I am anxious I may not respond at all. On the other had I do have hope. I will always have hope. I am too determined to give in.

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Day 7

Dreading the second injection today in memory of the pain on day 5. I have to go to a different hospital for this injection as the Infertility Unit is closed on weekends. I go to Wishaw General today, it's where I had my scans last year when I miscarried and it reminds me of that terrible experience. I drag my Husband along as a distraction. We had to wait for what seems like ages and he is restless. It wasn't so sore as last time, or maybe because I was expecting pain my head had exaggerated the previous experience? We then visited each of our parents in turn. My Mother in Law had old photographs out and I feel a lump in my throat as I see pictures of my Husband as a young boy because I think of my son looking just like him. All of my Husbands families offspring have been male and he assures me we will be no different. Our miscarried child was a boy. I also feel a lump in my throat as in the pictures where he is around 5 his Mum and Dad look older than most other parents and I see me getting to that age and still childless. It's tough having a life marked out for it not to happen as one would like. I remember a Counsellor I saw last year telling me that anxiety surrounding how long it will take to fall pregnant is a waste of time and energy because when I fall pregnant I will be so happy, and even moreso when I have the baby, that whatever year and date, or age I am, will be insignificant. I know she was right it's just a painful wait for it to happen. Every cycle is like a rollercoaster. I remember this from taking clomid before and feel it already, I imagine how I feel if I respond to this treatment, how I will feel if I don't. I imagine the dose of drugs being too low or too high and the frustration with how long the process takes. I already have optimistic moments and similarly pessimistic ones too. I know that before I can stop myself I have the birth date calculated at the beginning of each cycle as well as when and how I will tell my Husband and close family the good news. I want this so desperately and so urgently and wish there was some way to take control of the situation instead of sitting back waiting to find out if my body is performing as we desire.

Saturday, 27 August 2011

Day 5 & Day 6

We went away for an overnight stay, OH, me and doggy. I had to go to the clinic before leaving yesterday for my first injection. I still felt emotional after my sightings of several babies, pregnant women and pregnant women with babies! The injection is really straightforward and after demonstrating I can inject myself I will be able to do them at home. It was really uncomfortable though and took what felt like ages to be injected in. Felt woozy afterwards and had to stay seated for at least 5 minutes. Dreading the next instalment already.

Being away is a good distraction. We walked for miles in the wilderness and enjoyed each others company. The dog just loved the open hills and is now exhausted. My mood has crashed since getting home though. It's a reality check coming back home and realising where I am at. I took the dog out to do her business just now and passed by a young girl (or so she looked) with a bulging tummy. It'snot that I know anything about this girl and can say that her baby will grow up less fortunate than any child of mine would but it's like a minx is inside my head lashing out, screaming, kicking and announcing how unfair it all seems.

At one point today I remember smiling and feeling pleased with myself. What the incident was I cannot recall but it made me think of when I was pregnant and I walked around all the time grinning and it most certainly was about being pleased with myself and of course the situation. Just another example of how everyday life becomes connected to the desperation of having a child when this desperation is so extreme.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Day 4

Today I am very aware of pregnant women, babies and pregnant women with babies! I have felt sad and upset that I don't have a baby to push around in a pram or coo at and see looking up at me. It all started with the front page of the newspaper showing a smiling Amanda Holden who announced she was pregnant again after miscarrying at 7 months only 6 months ago. I don't feel jealous or nasty towards her, I just feel my pain more. Since I miscarried all I have hoped for is to become pregnant again. Deadlines came and past and here I am still without even a possibility of a positive test. If only it was as easy for me to conceive. Women take so much for granted and how frustrating when it doesn't happen as nature intended. Next thing to set me off was a multitude of pregnant women, babies and pregnant women with babies at Glasgow Fort. Almost every woman who passed me was expecting, pushing a pram or both! I passed two sets of twins and a set of triplets. Finally I rubbed all my misery in by going into Mamas and Papas and spending the £5 gift voucher they emailed me congratulating me on my Baby's First Birthday, even though I unsubscribed to their page one week after I miscarried. What I planned to be an in and out visit didn't quite go to plan. I picked up newborn socks and made my way to pay though because they had a 20% off special offer the till wouldn't accept my voucher and my total now came below £5. I then had to look around for something else. I picked up a set of 3 bibs and they are now under my spare bed in the baby drawer. I suppose it's all these small things that build up and make me feel like I could explode with frustration at any given moment. They make me want to shout and scream about how unfair it is that I may never be a Mummy. They make me want to blame someone (mostly myself) and make me cry really hard. I don't know why all of a sudden these feelings came to me . I never wanted children before and when that seedling of hope took over me it consumed me and now it's all that I can ever imagine will make my life worthwhile. Until then everything seems to be unfulfilling. I feel like my life is put on hold until I become pregnant. Like nothing can be happy or fun or relaxed until. Life isnt' on hold though. Days, weeks, months and years have gone by and I've yet to find my happiness.

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Day 3

When you are trying to have a baby and having problems it becomes an obsession an something you think about all the time. My world revolves around it and insignificant events lead me to thinking about it and how it will be when I have a child of my own. I took my puppy out for a long walk today around a loch with a paved walkway. It came into my head that this would be an excellent place to walk the dog whilst pushing a pram. I also made plans to meet a cousin I've not seen for years. He has always been protective of me and I wondered how he would be when I became pregnant and how I knew he would be around more when my baby was born. I now feel tearful as all this is still a dream and not my reality.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Day 2

Feeling all upside down today. My insides are aching and the bleeding is very heavy now. Woke in the night sweating and been to the toilet so many times I am beginning to wonder why I don't just stay there. Reminds me of being pregnant which reminds me had my baby been born he would have been a year this week.

Had a customer today who was experiencing residual effects of a miscarriage. It's her third. She seemed unaffected by it yet I was crying inside for her and felt myself well up afterwards at a few insignificant instances. My loss is still so raw. Even after almost 18 months coming to terms with the miscarriage seems impossible to me. I still imagine how I dreamed my life would have become and long to be pushing a pram along the street showing off my bundle of joy. I cannot even imagine what another miscarriage would do to me. It's unbearable to think of and it scares me to consider it being a possibility. I am 29 now. I don't want time to move any further ahead without having children. Another miscarriage would set me back even further. Here I am though worrying about miscarriage when I don't even know if I will become pregnant again. The emotional pain surrounding all of my fertility issues is overwhelming. I think a good cry might help?

Monday, 22 August 2011

Work made me sad

Had to work tonight and as part of our job we need to keep our knowledge up to date. I had some files left for me to read. Today of all days I am given "Baby, Confidence in no time!" to read through. Tells me about how much an expectant couple needs to buy for their baby. What type of nappies, milks and travel systems are available, how to sterilise a bottle and all about Bounty packs. I feel quite sad now I am not yet buying these things. I also noticed tonight how cute the baby on the Calpol products is.

Day 1

So today is the day. Day 1. Very light bleeding today although suppose with a uterus lining of 3.8 how much can I expect? Had to make my appointments today for day 5, 7, 9 and 11. Just my luck day 5 falls on the day we are setting off on what should have been a long weekend away and day 7 the day we should have been returning much later than we will be now. Day 9 falls on the only day next week I have to work and heavens, day 11 I have a free diary page so really is the only convenient day for arranging anything. Had to phone the administration office to inform them of my need to be excused early due to a hospital appointment. I'd be annoyed at any of my employees asking for time off on the only day of the week they are working. Treatment is so strict that the cycle days have to be exact so don't feel at all guilty but I can only imagine what they must be thinking.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Day -1

At work (in a busy Pharmacy) we have a nappy disposal unit on clearance at £5. Should be £30. I take it to my counter to read the details. Will we use it? Will I jinx things? On careful inspection it seems it might be difficult to get the refills to fit this particular model so I decide against buying it. Not even started the first cycle and my head has me having my baby.

Longing for the first signs of a bleed. Have a sore back, most likely due to bending down so much cleaning a low counter, and a sore stomach, most likely due to a high fibre lunch. Want to bleed today so my visits to the clinic don't coincide with work. Only 5 hours more before any bleed would be considered tomorrow as day 1:-(

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Day -2

As a retrospective first post I remember how my heart filled with joy at the sound of my husband mentioning the word "baby". He didn't even say "baby" though, he said "babies". It's been such an uphill slope for both of us we barely even mention the desired outcome of our struggle toward parenthood. Neither of us could have imagined how traumatic an experience this would be, emotionally, physically, socially and potentially financially if we fail to conceive on the NHS system. But tonight he mentioned it. He said "babies" and inside my world is smiling at him. Loving him. Appreciating how even though he talks so little about it (and I want to talk about it all the time) he is still thinking about it. He will make a great Daddy. He plays with our puppy like he has four legs and a tail himself and was tonight talking about how we are going to budget buying a bigger property so that we have enough money to give our "babies" a great life. he's the bestx

How did we get here? I have wanted to be a Mummy since I started to leave the habits of the eating disorder which has taken away so much of my life. I was hospitalised for over a year and came home needing to become a new person and feeling emotions I had suppressed for so many years by overexercising or restricting calories. I could laugh and cry again. I felt anger, fear, happiness, excitement. I had hopes, regrets, fears, ambitions. Most of all though I had a space where I kept the anorexia I had been host to for so long. I had time I used to spend exercising too hard and I had longing for a better life for me and for my husband. I felt love like I had never experienced before and craved for love in return. I had shut people off in the past as they were a threat to my destructive behaviours. Being apart from my family and husband for over a year built up a hunger for that love to fill all the voids that had been created in my life by my turning away from anorexia. I wanted a baby. A tiny baby I could grow inside me, nurture and love. A baby I could look after and share with my husband. A baby which would show how much we loved each other that we could create this miracle. For me it would be a miracle because despite reaching a health weight I never developed a menstrual cycle. But the miracle happened and I found out I was pregnant on hogmanay 2009. I was so proud of myself and those 6 weeks were the happiest of our lives. We picked names and spent hours reading books on how big our baby was and which part was developing as we read. Our dreams were shattered when a 13 week scan failed to pick up a heartbeat and we were told our baby had died one week earlier. I was operated on twice afterwards as the first surgery failed to remove all the tissue and complications afterwards left me bleeding for 5 months. Since then we have been referred to an infertility clinic and undergone 5 cycles of clomid treatment which I have failed to respond to. Each cycle consisted of hopes being built up, and bubbles burst after only a few days when a period would arrive too early for treatment to ever have been successful. We've had to wait 7 months on a waiting list and a few long weeks to get as far as we are now. We've had to take sperm sample for analysis and I had to have a scan. None of this has gone smoothly, convincing me the whole process will be just as much of a disaster as last time but I need to have hope. Desperation keeps me fighting. On  the morning of the first sperm collection we missed the pot and had to make another appointment for a week later. My husband criticises the size of the pots they provide and believes his manhood must be wider than average given the struggle collection is!!! Next time we were especially careful and succeeded commendably. Only to make our way to the car to find the keys had been left in the ignition overnight and thus the battery was flat. After a quick visit from the RAC the little swimmers finally got to their destination. On the next appointment my BMI came out too low for treatment. This was devastating, especially when I realised that the height the nurse was using in the calculation was wrong and in face my BMI was above the threshold of 19 and this panic was unnecessary. After a tense session with this behind us I was given provera to stimulate a period so I can begin treatment. I've had a miracle before, is it selfish to ask for a second? They go on about Baby dust on sites such as Mumsnet. Such silly talk deters me from using those forums. I am pondering having a quick peep though to see where to buy some, it can't do any harm can it.....